frogs, snails & puppydog tails
by the ocean floor
Summary: Dear Man Journal, now you see my lame teacher is making me write this gay as hell journal about my 'feelings'. Why? Probably because he's never been laid.  /in which the Tomhawks write journals and talk about the 'difficulties' of high school./
1. Chapter 1

Dear Man Diary,

Well hello sexy ladies, and Dr. Phony, my name's Derrick N. Harrington. What does the N. stand for? If I knew I'd tell you. Now you see my lame teacher (Dr. Phony aka Loni) is making me write this gay as hell journal about my 'feelings'. Why? Probably because he's never been laid.

So where do I start? I guess I'll start from the day I was born. February 14th, day of love itself, how suiting for a hottie like me, huh? So my dad is some kind of hotel heir or some shit like that and my mom is the daughter of some lame oil tycoon who only had one kid. Those two ended up getting married after meeting at Harvard (am I going there ? Probably not) and then they had this annoying little beast named Sammi, my sister, and then three years later the greatest gift to mankind was born.

Now back to Sammi, she's annoying as hell. Always meddling in my love life and dating my friends' older brothers, well only one, but who's counting? She constantly bothers me and forces me to watch lame romantic 'comedies' even though there's nothing comedic about them. She also makes me watch Gossip Woman or whatever and Pretty Little Liars which I don't understand, why can't they just report cyber bullying? There's really no mystery to it kids.

Anyway, after I was born, like as in the day after, this other kid was born who's mom was my mom's best friend, his name is Cameron Fisher. Who's now my best friend, or something like that. The two of us have always been put together, our moms had the same breathing class or whatever (seriously just because you're giving birth to a kid doesn't mean you're going to forget how to fucking breathe) and then we shared nannies, got put on the same soccer teams, practically lived in each other's houses (me a little more than him-he has the sickest snack food), went to the same schools and hung out with the same group. Technically if you want me to get all 'mushy' we're kinda like brothers, _kinda. _I'm the hotter one though.

Then there's Joshua Hotz, he's my other best friend who's kinda leaning towards the gay side- well he would be if he wasn't hooking up with every girl at school. Josh is wack, no other doubt about it. He got sent from this weird boarding school called Hotchkiss because he got expelled for excessive prank pulling. The reason I think he's a little gay? He's obsessed with Ralph Lauren, I swear never take that kid to a mall. Oh and never bring him to your house, he drops the f bomb like ten times per sentence which my mom thinks throws off the 'zen' of our home. I always thought letting Sammi live in our home threw it off, but that's just me.

Now Dr. Ass thinks that I have to talk about my 'problems', so here I go. Being breathtakingly handsome has always been hard for me, I mean have you fucking_ seen_ my face ? Shit guys, you'd like die on the spot because I'm drop dead gorgeous (is that how you spell that? I used SpellCheck and Chris so I'm crossing my fingers). By the way who the fuck am I talking to? Like what personification should I use (Chris says that's not what personification means but screw him). Am I supposed to use first personification or like fifth? Whatever, lets just go with the one with the plural or like the conjugation where you say you but really you're talking to like other people (eff Spanish...or was it French I'm taking?).

My other problem is being horrifically smart (see those SAT vocab skills? Yah you wish you had my mofo skills). Last week we got our math tests back and guess what this bitch got? A C! Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

I also hate my teacher Dr. Loni he's a douche, he smells weird and I think he has a crush on me. Like foreals man (if you are a man) back off kay? I like the lady kind. Not to mention Massie Block, the girl has got more issues than my mom's weird magazines. I have to say though she seems to be the one who has the problem, how can you hate this piece of meat? Oh not to mention she's effing psycho, I know she digs the D Man, there's nothing to hide. Not to mention her friends, Kemp says their tampons got stuck up their asses, not really sure how he knows. Like Alicia (damn that girl is hot) she flips me off _every_ time she walks by me. Hair or Claire or whoever, she's always giving me the evil eye and passing me notes in class about how Jesus can't even save me and how Satan won't even like me. Whatever though, doesn't hurt my ego, I'm still fresh like produce.

I'm going to go have Minnie make me some kind of concoction or something,

Peace out bitches (bitch in the case of Dr. Loni) and stay hot (get hot in the case of Dr. Loni),

-Derrick N. Harrington.

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><p><em>basically this is going to be the guy's journal entries (: <em>  
><em>i've had this in my drafts for literally ages, review ?<em>


	2. Chapter 2

WHASSUP MY BITCHES?

It's Joshua Hotz (like hotter than you but not as hot as your motha) and I'm in the fucking house man or men or whatever. Now Dr. Loni he's this little bitch who's trying to curb on my style, like foreals man, I mean who does he think he is? I'm Joshua _Hotz - _the name says it all. Now you may be thinking that I'm some wannabe gangsta but let me tell you something, I am foreal. Like last week I fucking stole my sister's Barbies and hung them over the fucking toilet - I know what you're thinking, shit that boy's cold and effing HARDCORE hood, but it's aight. The ladies like them bad boys.

So I guess I'm supposed to like talk about my feelings like I'm some little pansy (no I am _not_, freaking eff Derrick, he lies man, he lies). You can't get more ghetto than me, I mean how am I supposed hold my head up if I have a fucking diary? What next you want me to run around with My Little Pony undies? Awh, hell no.

I only have a few problems one of them being when people don't take me seriously, like foreals, I am hood no matter what they say and words can't bring me down. Fuck yeah (shit I just quoted a chick song). Anyways man I am manly, you may be thinking 'why the hell is a hood like him wearing a polo?' Let me tell you something, the ladies like them polos. They're all like "Oh Joshy Poo, your polo is so cute!" and then they think just because you wear clothes by the same designer you have some weird like telepathic connection and they're all "Oh Joshy Poo, my last boyfriend broke up with me, make-out with me to help me get over my feelings!" And I'm like aight I mean tissues would work too and maybe a chick flick but if you wanna taste of the Josh Man then go ahead, it's coo.

Oh and there's this girl, Claire, shit that girl has probs man, probs. She follows my hood and me and she tries handing us little pocket bibles. I mean if I can't read my school books you think I'm going to read this willingly? I mean sure I listen to the 'Boss Man' and all but girl you're the one who needs his help not me.

Then there's _Alicia_, oh that girl is fine. Like fine print on a parking ticket (no I didn't look that up). I asked her out like twice and she shot me down, like Jay Sean. I'm like shit, foreals? It's kay though, she just can't handle the charm of my popped collars, neither can Claire, it's coo though, they'll both fall for the _Hotz_.

So let's get to the background history of how this hot young thing came to be (no not Alicia or Claire, I'm talkin' about moi, Joshua Hotz). My parents met at like Spain or something and then they got married did the deed and then voila, Joshua Hotz.

Then my sister was born and blah blah blah, now she does my chores (I really do not see the point man, we have a fucking housekeeper). The bitch is kickin' it though, I mean you know how many chicks would want to do my chores? They'd be all "Oh Joshy Poo let me do your chores for you!" and I'd be like get in line.

Aight so I know you peeps are thinkin' 'man a cool kid like this must have some straight up gangsta friends' but nah, they're too "cool" for the thug life- little effers. So first up is Derrick Harrington, the kid's a douche, always poking at my nonexistent femininity, but it's coo. Then there's Cam Fisher, honestly the boy seems like he's depressed half the time, temper, temper, but it's coo. Then there's Kemp Hurley, the kid can't come to school not wasted, like honestly man you tryin' to die? but it's coo. Then there's Chris Plovert, he is such a nerd, I mean really bro? You want a life? But it's coo, really. Last is Griffin, I don't even know why he hangs with us, he doesn't talk he just sits around, but it's coo, I'm fine (literally babes) .

(Hm, so what gangster words can I use now? Shit this is getting hard). So yah that's my life on a fucking page Loni, L Dawg. Yah, now I'm gonna go look for my hood brothas and we gonna go cause some trouble yo.

Fuck you,

-Joshua_ Hotz_ (like hotter than you but not as hot as your motha)  
>Peace.<p>

* * *

><p><em>so there's josh for you, i've had this one written up for a while too but i didn't know if i should publish it.<em>  
><em>he's not really 'gangsta' if you didn't already get that. thanks for all your reviews on the last chapter (; <em>  
><em>review ?<em> (= 


	3. Chapter 3

Day one in the life and times of Cameron James Fisher,

Today was a dark day. The sky was bluer than usual - an ominous sign no doubt. The birds were_ too_ loud this morning, their screeches sounded like a cry for help, oh birds, I wish I could save you from your torture - if only I could fly. The sun was much too bright, oh how I hate the sun, it burned into my gorgeously colored eyes.

The story of my life dark, depressing life is simple, my parents married then had a son, Harris, oh how much pain it causes just to write that name. Then my parents had me, I was born on a dull, gray day. I remember emerging from darkness, the darkness that is still within me to this very day, it eats me alive. My mother says it was her Valentine's Day present, does she forget that I was born the day after? When I was born the first thing I did was cry, to this day it is all I know. They took me from my mother and I was to fend for myself in the dark nursery, all the others were looking at me, jealousy oozed off of them.

Everyone still hates me, I have no love. When I woke up my mother handed me eggs, they were scrambled, _scrambled, _then she wished me a good morning, why not a great one? My brother said hi to me, why not hello? Am I not worth three more letters? Then my father told me to have a great day, why can't it be fantastic? Oh, woe is me. Then this girl at school smiled at me and then giggled, pity and humiliation follows me wherever I go.

I hate my life, my fourth period teacher didn't call on me, even teachers ignore me, I thought school was supposed to be a safe place, away from the demons that follow me and haunt me. Then in fifth period my teacher continued to call on me, once again the humiliation was painful, why does she want me to know the capital of France? Oh the pain. Why can I not live my life? Why am I hated? I bet its my looks, everyone's just envious.

Josh asked me to sit with him at lunch - I don't have any friends, it's pity I tell you. Some girls pointed at me when I sat down, why can't the ridicule just stop? The insanity and foolishness, do they not see that I am a human being? With feelings, _yes, feelings_.

Later I had soccer practice, the ball hit my toes, thank the lord for shoes, Kemp kicked it and everyone stared - I ran off into the locker rooms to write poetry. This is what I came up with:

_Kemp oh Kemp._  
><em>You're always smoking hemp.<em>  
><em>You are a fool,<em>  
><em>You are not very cool. <em>  
><em>Why must you kick the ball at me?<em>  
><em>I have feelings, why can't you see?<em>  
><em>You are an idiot, an imbecile.<em>  
><em>Your idiocy is like a chill.<em>  
><em>Now I shall cry alone in this room,<em>  
><em>with nothing to rhyme with the word room.<em>  
><em>Just like me, it shall be alone with no pair, <em>  
><em>all alone to wallow in despair.<em>

Now I shall go cry,

Forever alone,  
>-Cameron James Fisher.<p>

P.S. Every journal entry will be more disturbing than the last. I hope you're fucking ready for the creeps, this is what you get when you ask me to spill my feelings. I hope you get nightmares you freaking douche Loni.

* * *

><p><em>so i wanted cam's to be way different from derrick's and josh's, then i watched the potter puppet pals video 'snape's diary' and thus i got my inspiration for this. :)<br>i'm doing kemp's next, i'm pretty happy for it :D  
><em>

_review?  
><em>


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